News anchor: "...And the U.N. estimates that the planet's 7 billionth person will be born right about... now!" "Wait! This just in! The 7 billionth person-to-be has just issued a statement!"

"Speaking from an undisclosed gestation location, she says: 'Even a pre-conscious proto-human such as myself knows your world is seriously FUBARed.'" "'I'm not even born yet, and I already have 300 industrial chemicals in my bloodstream, you piggish dolts!'"

"'There still probably won't be any jobs two decades from now. And if I do land some soul-sucking crap work, all the wealth I create will go to some selfish dipstick making 200 times more than me.'"

"'Honestly, why bother? Count me out! Or in, as the case may be. Signed, Baby 7B.'" "In other news, presidential candidate Herman Cain has suggested that the wealthiest 1% be referred to as 'your overlords.'"