THE O'REILLY METHOD Bill O'Reilly had this to say about law student Sandra Fluke, who testified before Congress about her friend needing birth control for ovarian cysts. "So let me get this straight, Mrs. Fluke... you want me to give you my hard-earned money so you can have sex."

Since O'Reilly is so concerned about paying for birth control, we at Slowpoke helpfully offer a cheaper alternative. O'REILLY'S JUICIEST PHONE SEX BITS As read by Henry Kissinger. For just $9.95, you can own an audiorecording of O'Reilly's sexual advances, as found in the harassment lawsuit filed against him by a female employee.

Works faster than a cold shower... almost instantly! "I vonce received a massage een a cabana een Bali, and ze little brown voman was amazed at ze size of my penis." "You should buy a vibrator and name eet. I can show you how to use eet."

Who needs an aspirin between the knees when you have this? "Den I would take ze other hand vith ze falafel thing and I'd put it on your..." Drooly Julie: "AAGH! That does it! I'm never shtupping again!"

WARNING: Money saved on contraception may be offset by money spent on therapy.